The Secret Blogger: You’re Supposed to be my Best Friend

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Secret Blogger

Do you have a friend who often leaves you disappointed? Perhaps they leave you surprised with the odd put-down, or you just wonder if you have anything in common any more. If that sounds familiar, then you’ll relate to this week’s Secret Blogger.

Read on to hear what the Secret Blogger wants to get off her chest this week. And don’t forget, if you’ve got a subject you’d like to write about anonymously then get in touch with our editor Molly at molly@fleaenterprises.com.

the secret blogger writes:

We met just over three years ago at our local antenatal class. We seemed to hit it off right away, from that very first class really when we discovered we had once unknowingly studied in the same place. Small world.

It seemed obvious we were meant to be friends. We shared a similar background, were from the same area and seemed to enjoy the same stuff. Plus, we were both trying not to be terrified about the birth of our first child.

When the children were born, we couldn’t wait to meet each others’ baby and spend aeons of time together on play-dates, in coffee shops and at various activity classes such as swimming and music. Your husband and my partner got along really well too, even to the point of spending time together on their own with the children.

So I’m trying to pinpoint the moment when it started to go wrong. Why do you now try and put me down, seemingly at every available opportunity?

Looking back, maybe it started with the odd little comment, here and there. A moment of, “Oh, we don’t really like doing that, we prefer this” or, “Our child doesn’t do that yet, but it’s OK because he does this and we prefer that, to be honest”.

Somewhere along the line you felt the need to be defensive, to make yourself feel better by making my choices seem like the wrong ones.

I’m a laid back person and I let most things go over my head. But just this weekend we spent a whole day together without children which was meant to be relaxing but left me in floods of tears.

Here’s a list of put-downs from one day (and there are probably more that I’ve blocked out of my memory):

  • We’re having work done on the house and need a skip. I happen to mention it: “Don’t you need planning permission for a skip? We were going to get one once but found out we needed planning permission so decided to put it on the drive so as not to cause the neighbours any inconvenience”.
  • On the work we’re having done: “What’s the benefit? Will it add value to your house? What did you pay for your house? Will you get the money back?”
  • On school choices: “Well, we were thinking about a private school as we pay the same in nursery fees anyway”.
  • On my partner and I not being married (having already asked me several times before and being told the answer is yes): “Do you think you’ll ever get married?”
  • On the fact I fancied having a ‘second Christmas’ with just our little family, no relatives: “Why? Oh we prefer a party atmosphere at our house. We spend time together all the time anyway”.

 

Do you have any advice for our Secret Blogger? How would you deal with this situation – worth fighting for the friendship and having a chat about it, or would you simply walk away? 

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Discussion5 Comments

  1. Umm, as someone completely outside of the situations… the things you pointed out that your friend said this weekend don’t really read as personal attacks, just questions and banter?
    I guess it’s harder to determine through the written word as the intonation in how it’s said will make a big difference.
    Just my tuppence worth… maybe you’re the one reading too much into it all?

  2. As isolated remarks, I don’t see too much maliciousness in any of the comments but if they were all in the space of a few hours then I guess it could feel personal. As an outsider, it sounds as though you could be spending way too much time together and the old thing of beginning to treat one another like siblings, has come in. Could you slowly start to distance yourself a bit? You might then start to enjoy one another’s company again, like you used to. If she is making you feel miserable about yourself, there’s no point. Alternatively, you can confront her but I imagine that this would pose a big threat to your friendship.

  3. Is she possibly miserably unhappy herself, and lacking in self confidence? Is everything in her home life good?
    Does she feel threatened that as you are not married she may see you as a threat and that by talking to her husband she thinks you may be chatting him up ( you know your not and that you are happy with what you have)
    Some parents can be really funny and competitive that their little one isnt walking/crawling/teething/potty trained when yours is.
    I like the others dont think there is much too it, but again I cant judge the tone of voice.
    Some of it appears to me to be just general chit chat ( about the work on the house, a friendly warning that skips are not suppose to be put in the road without council permission, ) maybe she is a tad jealous as she would like some work done on hers and cant afford to.
    I think the second Christmas is a nice idea, we do it every year with the grandchildren, they get their pressies from our family on Boxing Day when we get to spend quality time with them, I think that is a lovely idea.
    The comment on “we dont really like doing this…” stop and think do you usually suggest what you are all going to do and maybe she is wanting some choice for a change?
    I would suggest spending slightly less time in each others pockets for a few weeks and see how it goes.

  4. I’d say it’s probably a case of your friend feeling insecure herself. I find that’s usually why some parents feel the need to do this. If it were me, I’d try to ignore it as it’s probably very little to do with you at all and much more to do with her own issues.

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