That’s what I have at the moment. A muddled brain.
Random thoughts that are nonsense.
Some thoughts that make sense.
At times it is difficult to differentiate between them.
What is real?
What isn’t real?
The voices I sometimes hear. They aren’t real. But is what they tell me real?
Sometimes they tell me the truth.
“Your son is happy. He is fed. He is clothed. He is loved.”
Sometimes they are not.
“Everyone hates you.”
“You see that woman over there? She thinks you are low-life.”
Sometimes I do not know what are truths and what are lies.
“You’re making your depression up.”
“Your husband just tolerates you, everyone just tolerates you!”
Muddled brain. It sucks.
And it isn’t just the thoughts that are muddled.
Every day activities.
Getting out becomes a chore.
Remembering to order meds in time, or collecting them on time.
Even with lists and reminders on my phone, I get muddled.
Will it always be like this? I hope not because at times I feel like my head might explode with all the thoughts I am trying to make sense of.
Oh darling, no, it won’t always be like this. Depression is a bastard and it’s even worse when you have to look after kids because you never get the time to get your head straight. And the terrible thoughts that swim around just never leave you alone long enough to let you get on your feet, do they?
If it’s any help I had severe PND and then a breakdown from which I am now recovering. It takes time and space to recover – not easy when there’s a toddler hanging off your arm – but it can be done and it sounds as if you need to do this too.
Good luck m’love. Hope things improve soon.